Parachute men

Today I’m going to divulge what I know about and term ‘parachute’ men.  These are the men who favour a soft landing when it’s time to come to earth. Over the last year and a half I've had the pleasure of dating a few men who (1) are still living with their wives but claim to be separated and (2) spend their adult lives setting up the next relationship before they've ended the existing one.  I call these men 'parachute men'.

Firstly, I'll tackle the men who need one relationship to ooze into another.  These men are hand-holders and need to be loved and petted a lot in order to be completely happy.  *Romeo, the “but you didn’t ask” man (see my previous post about a man who is happy to orgasm every time he enters a woman, and happier still if his partner quietly puts up with receiving nothing for her efforts - sorry a bit vague, that does cover a large proportion of the male population) was a classic.  He couldn't be by himself for a week.  He had to go from relationship to relationship.  His whole sense of self was wrapped up in who he was with. He’d still rather be with anyone than no-one.  Romeo’s first marriage had oozed into his second and his second marriage had oozed into his internet dating and from there he had just oozed from mini relationship to mini relationship.  Always quick to find a new woman, he was rather unfortunate in that he was equally quick to lose her.  He was lacking a personal identity.  I dated Romeo twice, for 3 months each time, so got a good handle on what this type of man was about.  First time we broke up he was caught unaware.  And by god it hit him hard! He was back on the dating website within 10 minutes of the break up - half out of spite, but more out of sheer panic and desperation.  Most strangely, he continued to search for a new mate via RSVP while he spent the next 3 weeks overseas on business.  His first love letter to me coincided with his return to Brisbane.

Second time around he was a little wiser.  He wasn't about to degrade himself like that again. He started up his next relationship as things began to sour. I saw him driving his car with his new mate beside him 2 weeks after we broke up.  How do I know this was his new mate?  Well, Romeo had no friends. His whole life centred on the women he was with.

A similar strain of men, but slightly more cunning and creepy is the man who still lives with his wife but claims to be separated.  This group is starting to make their way onto RSVP, or at least they are coming my way more often.  Maybe I’ve done the rounds of Brisbane and it’s time to spread my wings to far north Queensland or something?  Perhaps it’s the age of men I am looking at.  Men who have children who have grown up, men who no longer needing a woman around to care for the kids or make the kids dinner are now looking to break free of their nagging, bitchy, old, ugly wives who have annoyed them for the last 10-15 years, but not so strangely, did manage to serve their purpose.

But they need someone to go to first.

And they announce their living arrangement like it's pretty normal.

Imagine if I was still living with my husband but actively dating on RSVP.  What do you think men would think of me when I told them that?

I dated Sean last Friday night.  Sean is nice.  He is a fairly bright man.  We chatted for about an hour before we touched on the subject of kids and home life.  A few minutes into it and he dropped the bomb.  He's still living with his wife. What the?!  He even went so far as to tell me that they get on really well and he suggested to his wife just a few weeks before that perhaps it was a good idea that they start sleeping in separate beds!  I just love it how men are always so diplomatic.  If you get on so well, why is your marriage over? How often have I heard this answer, “I guess we ended up more as friends than husband and wife”? Oh come on, you have to be kidding me.  That was Romeo's line as well come to think of it.  ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?  WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT THAN THAT YOU FOOL?  THAT'S MY FUCKING DREAM LIFE!

I think what they really mean is...well my wife hates me because I've never thanked her for doing all the work with the children for the past 15 years.  She has lost any interest in sleeping with me because for her, the thought of being naked in bed next to someone she hates, no matter how much she misses the companionship, is just plain revolting.  These men have no real idea of how much their wives really dislike them.   That’s how it ends.  Men too wrapped up in themselves to thank their wives for the sacrifices they have made. Women who retaliate with the only weapon they have – withholding sex. Good friends? 

And so we enter La La Land.  The land where men are completely delusional as to what awaits them when they separate.  This time round they are searching for endless hand-holding, back rubs, sexual glances, reassuring pecks on the lips, and maybe a bit more hand-holding in there for good measure…you know, a proper relationship.  Unfortunately, the women they encounter on the other side of marriage just don’t have that same desperate pull towards men that they had when they were 26, hormonal and frantic for kids.  We’ve grown with the sacrifice of raising a family and coming second place for years and years.  Men miss out on that milestone. Women really don't mind being alone.  Parachute men do. Some women love the solitude so much that they never feel the need to couple up again - that's how profoundly dissatisfying married life was for them.  It's true.  Women generally become happier post divorce.

So Sean’s parachute is out. Even if I really liked him, I’d give him a miss. Where the hell are we going to have sex?  The car?  He’s busy at the moment painting the outside of his house in preparation for sale, and he’s going to follow that with re-turfing the lawn and repairing the front fence. Is the little extra he sells his house worth all that extra time with his wife I asked?  "Oh yes" was his answer.  Oh dear I thought.