Overweight Baggage - The Frenchman

In every relationship, couples eventually present each other with their baggage.   The exchange of the duffle bag. As individuals, we exchange our duffle bags at various speed.  Some of us hand our bags over early, some of us need coaxing.  Some duffle bags are large, some are small.  Some are huge. Some duffle bags need an upright hand trolley.  I'm very sorry to say that the lovely-accented, quite handsome 40 year-old Frenchman had a duffle bag that I was physically ill-equipped to carry. He presented it way too early and I broke under the weight of it.

The Frenchman's history was a little difficult to work out.  Not because he was mysterious, but because I was never interested enough to keep asking questions.  Medium length marriage to a woman who had one daughter of her own, he had helped to raise during the adolescent years.  That daughter was now 19. Apparently he had ended his marriage 2 years ago because his wife's demands for perfection were too much for him.  He gave examples - she was critical of his cooking.  This had caused him to have palpitations at night in bed.  That's it.  That's all I got.  He never elaborated.  Really? Do men leave marriage for reasons like this?

His wife was successful.  He was not.  He was 40 years old, working in a factory while he studied full-time and he was now living in rented share accommodation with a male friend. He had left a career in France to move here and things had never looked up employment-wise since.  His ex-wife had called the shots it seemed, and I had the feeling he resented her for that.

The following is a rough account of events in our 4-5 week courtship.

First date went well.  Mentioned his wife a bit - told me he had a very good relationship with her. Gave the one sided opinion that husband and wives should remain friends after they separate.  I guess he was talking about his own "disney" separation from a woman with one adult daughter and no assets to split.  Fairly normal talk for a first date.  If men aren't talking about how well they get on with their ex-wives, they are normally boasting about what a great Dad they are.  Doesn't take them long to start congratulating themselves.

Second date he took me dancing.  Not something I enjoy, but he hadn't bothered to ask me that.  He danced while I held his drink.  The bar he took me to was bursting with 18 year olds writhing to the rhythm, sandwiched shoulder to shoulder.  It was obvious that we were the oldest by at least 20 years.  Uncomfortable for me, but he appeared strangely unconcerned.  I asked to leave.  As we walked between bars, he stubbled upon some of his step-daughter's very drunk ex-high school friends.  He stopped to have a chat.  Not a quick 'hello'... a full-on conversation.  They were drunk.  I stood and waited for him, but it definitely felt uncomfortable standing 5 meters further on than him, unacknowledged.

After some rather passionate get-to-know-you moves at the end of that date, he whispered to me that he planned to remove his dating profile form the site we had initially introduced ourselves on.  I thought that was a nice thing to say, (but in retrospect, I liked him more than I should have on account of his french accent) so I proceeded to hide my own profile the next day.  He unfortunately, did not.

His profile stayed up for the next week, and he actually logged on and used his account during that week. He was brazen enough to mention that he had noticed I had removed mine. Not on.  We'd slept together by this stage.  I said I was happy if he kept his profile up, but if that was his plan, then my plan was to move on, very nice to meet you, thank you very much etc etc.  He later referred to this as the moment he should have walked away from me.

Third date he proudly showed me his step-daughter's modelling photos.  She looked like any number of teenage girls I had seen in the streets.  Skinny, lots of make up, very attractive.  They all look beautiful to me at that age.  He commented on which photos he thought she looked great in, and the ones he didn't like.  I was quite uninterested, but I believe I made a reasonable attempt at feigning enthusiasm.  During our dinner conversation earlier that night he had mentioned that he had once cupped his then 15 year old step-daughter's breast in his hand (as one does).  She had supposedly come into his bed during the night claiming she was frightened while her mother was interstate on business. He had protested that she was too old to sleep with him, but (as good step-dads do) he had allowed her into his bed.  Low and behold, in his deep and dreamy man-sleep he had rolled over and dreamily cupped her breast in his hand, which is how he awoke in the morning. All very innocent he said.  He had rung his wife immediately to confess.  What can I say?  Conscious enough to roll over and cup a breast, but deeply enough asleep that he didn't remember who he was in bed with.

In the scheme of things though, as far as third dates go, nothing unusual here.  There is normally some strong warning signals that I am sitting opposite a freak by this stage.  I usually ignore the signs and plough on, hoping that my instincts aren't correct. I couldn't be that judgemental could I?  How can I make assumptions so soon into the relationship?  Lighten up Doris, give him a chance!

We retired to his bedroom later that night, and during the post-coital chat, he announced that he would be continuing to see the woman he had been sexually involved with before me.  This particular woman was still very interested in him, and he'd like to keep seeing her as a friend.  That was important to him.  This was reasonable he said.  He liked to stay friends with ex-girlfriends.  He also added that he was still very involved with his ex-wife, and that too would continue.  Just friends of course.

Thank you for letting me know I responded.  A relief to know that I could also continue to date other men.  He was rather put out by this and a became a little sulky, replying that he wished I hadn't told him that.

What?

Have there been enough warning signals yet?  In typical Doris fashion, I clung on and went for a ride.

He wanted it all.

Fourth date he told me that he would be having breakfast with his ex-wife and step-daughter the next morning, a Saturday, following an airport reunion for the 3 of them.  Fair enough.  He left his place at 7am, and I was left to scurry home to mine.  On the Sunday afternoon I rang and wondered if he'd like to do something. He couldn't.  He'd just accepted an invitation from his ex-wife to walk the dog.  Her yoga lesson finished at 1.30pm and they would be walking the dog at 2pm.  Yep, thanks for the details.  He chose to walk the dog over sex with me.  He later showed me video footage of the excited dog bounding around, happily greeting his step-daughter following the airport pick-up. It was a short recording, with most of the footage focused on his step-daughter.

Fifth date, arrived at his house mid-week and he told me that the water was off that morning and he'd had to shower (and he laughed before he said it) at his ex-wife's house.

It's all confusing after this point.  He spend whole weekends over at his ex-wife's house - he took her to dinner for her birthday and brought her a present; he helped clean out her house in preparation to rent; he cleared her garden; he attended a second birthday celebration for her. He saw her 6 times in one week.  He never once checked if I was free before he accepted the next offer to spend time with her. I never spent a weekend day with him in 5 weekends. Oh hang on, I did spend a Sunday afternoon in the car travelling to a cave to look at glow worms with his friends.  He spent quite a bit of that time texting someone.  His wife, he told me later.

He passed on every conversation I ever had with him to the ex-wife.  What type of woman was I she wanted to know?  Could she meet me?  She'd like to thank you very much.  He told me so.

If I brought up the unreasonable amount of time he spent with his ex-wife he'd respond with accusations that I was 'unbelievable, irrational, incorrect'.  How could I not believe him that they were just friends?  He talked over the top of me if I became exasperated trying to explain my point of view, grabbing me as he ranted. "Believe me that we are not sleeping together."

Did I think they were sleeping together?  Who the fuck cares?  Did I think he had deep and troubling attachment issues? Yes.  He used the term "sleeping with her" without any prompting, ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Drama!   His ex-wife was moving to Sydney.  Apparently this meant, as he explained very clearly to me, maximum hours with her until she left.  She was a great friend.  This was perfectly normal. "WE ARE NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER" he yelled at me at a local coffee shop.

He needed to breathe her in during those last few weeks.

I spent one more night at his house, but rang him the next day to finish things up.  As way of proving to me how much I meant to him, he told me that the ex-wife had only recently asked him to spend the night at her house, in her bed...as all really good friends do, but he had declined.  Oh, what a great guy.  I think he thought I would be proud of him.

The rest is boring.  And so was he, with that one monotonous sentence he bandied at me in every conversation regarding his ex-wife. "We're just really good friends."

He wasn't reasonable, and he wasn't bright.  You can't reason with an unreasonable, bloody-minded freak.  His moral high ground of "we are just friends" is one that can't be fought.   I can only begin to imagine the moral high ground he would have taken had he the need to refute an accusation that he was lusting after his 19 year old step-daughter. I didn't bother mentioning it.  I would have been labelled 'disgusting, sick, delusional'.

Who knows who he yearned for.  His 49 year-old ex-wife who liked to celebrate her birthday, or the 19 year-old step-daughter he liked to film.

49 or 19...it doesn't matter.  The reality is always sobering when there is a little distance.  40 years old, working casually, living in share accommodation, dating his ex-wife. Oh dear.