Conversations with men

How much of conversation is dominated by men during a first date, or during a relationship?  How long can a man talk about himself, his opinions, his beliefs, his desires without interruption? How does this sit with women who date them? Well…it grates! And as my post-separation single years continue, and I have the 'privilege' of experiencing more one-on-one conversation with single men, it can sometimes be difficult to notice anything else.  
   

I've had a few first dates recently. Steve. Not a confident man by any stretch of the imagination. Had an obvious speech impediment and an unfortunate facial tick. Didn't stop him dominating the conversation.  One sentence from me was followed by 10 minutes of conversation from him.  

John was the same.  Listened to him for the first hour talk about his fledgling business. The conversation consisted of him firing reasons at me (ad nauseam) for why he had bought his frozen yoghurt franchise; how the business is achieving; a breakdown of his KPIs; his thoughts on how the business can expand.  It took him a full hour to take a break and ask what I do for a living.

My worst date ever was with a man named Brad who started the date with "So I guess you'd like to hear a little bit about me."  He commenced with the name of his high school, he proceeded to enthral me with tales of his university days; his marriage; the topics of his marital arguments; his wife's personality (she was "insane" - like every other man's ex-girlfriend or ex-wife); her name; her job; her income; her relationship with her mother; the circumstances under which she left him 6 years earlier; her current relationship with her mother; who his ex-wife was now dating; why he was angry at being 'tricked' into having a third child…

On and frigging on. Took him 1.5 hours.  I couldn't quite bring myself to pop my wine glass on the table and simply walk out. It was the very first, and only time I ever remember feeling like walking out of a date without a goodbye. During his rant I entertained myself by moaning into my glass and thinking of how I could turn this nightmare into an interesting story for my colleagues in the tea room at work the next day. I coined the phrase "I'm having a Brad day today" from my date that evening. 

Do men have this problem?  Do men find themselves complaining to their friends about how she just 'never shut up' during that get-to-know-you phase?  Do they take issue that their date guides the conversation and moves every topic back to herself?  Does a woman ever talk about herself for the first hour on a first date and then when their conversation about themselves is drained, finally remember to ask their date that first probing question? My guess is no. Women have a siren in the back of their minds. We've been taught our lessons well since birth.  Don't be too obtuse; don't speak out of turn; remain lady-like and demure; don't be too opinionated; don't interrupt; and please, for the love of God (your opinion isn't that important) shut up, and somebody might find you acceptable. Our inner siren monitors how long we have talked for, how much we talk about ourselves, and it also tells us when to shut the fuck up. Men just don't seem to have a siren...at all!

There is plenty of information on this topic out there.

Mary Octigan and Sharon Niederman (1979) claim that men, regardless of any sympathy they might feel with the women's movement, continue to dominate all conversations with women through interruption and overlap; and women continue to accept this sort of domination in face-to-face conversations with men. 68% of interruptions could be attributed to men. Women adhere to rules of politeness; are apologetic; ask questions at the end of their statements and avoid strong statements.

They also found that the same male who is willing to hear a fellow male out without interruption, will abandon this decency in a discussion with a female - without anyone realising that anything is any different.

Thirty years later, things haven't improved. Groshev (2002) cited in Vasyura's 2008 study found that men interrupt women twice as often in an effort to enhance the importance of their ego in gender-verbal dialogue. 

When is that more evident than during a first date?

Hiroko and Amy (2004) claim that there is a clear tendency for male dominance over females in conversation, with males playing a central role in shaping and development of conversation; that all conversation revolves around the interest of the male speaker, and female speaker contribution to conversation is trivialised.

Labunskaya, Medzheritskaya, & Breys, 2001 study (cited in Vasyura 2008) identified that men view women as subordinate and obstructive when they strive to reinforce intimacy in a partner. However, men are viewed by women as being communicative and unobstructive when they dominate, show interest or suspicion, or strive to be benevolent.

Does anyone else feel like vomiting yet?

It's hard to find crude statistics on who ends Australian marriages. Most government departments like to cloak information in divorce rates per 1000 people, but still, these figures don't touch on the number of couples who have never married, couples who have separated but not yet divorced, or women who are stuck in a relationship with no means of escape due to financial insecurity. One thing is certain though. Women initiate most separations. These Australian statistics are a bit old, but they were all I could find: between 1984 and 2001, 64% of divorces were initiated by women and 21% by men.

Women's unhappiness can't be completely attributed to men's dominance in male:female conversation. We need to consider other factors like the male monopoly on executive employment; the experience of women and children who unquestionably opt for ownership by adopting their male partner's surname; the inequality in housework and income; the unequal distribution of child-free time; the possibility of male as opposed to female career advancement, regardless of family demands.

Maybe, and this is a really OUT THERE concept…maybe it's time for men to shut the fuck up and listen to women for once. Maybe that would go a long way.  

I'm a little tired of moaning into my wine glass.  Australian males have had the floor for long enough.