If women wrote their dating profiles like men
Attention gentlemen! I'm house-trained and fully domesticated! I'm looking for an attractive, young-at-heart, sexy, fun-loving, determined, unique, curious, creative, adventurous, intelligent, compassionate, authentic, sensual, masculine, playful, loyal, trustworthy, honest, confident, cheeky, strong, successful, financially secure man to share good times and great laughs. I'm looking for a man who is handsome AND has brains. Someone who can look "beyond next week". Extra points if you speak another language (preferably European). Surely that's not too much to ask!
A little about me. I'm tactile and affectionate. I'm baggage-free. I like to kiss and cuddle...and hold hands in public and I hope you do too. At night I like to wind down from my extremely important job with a glass of wine, some home-made rotolo al forno, and then curl up on the couch with a good DVD. I'm social but I'm a home-body. I'm loud but I'm shy. I like the occasional drink, but I never get drunk. I'm strong but I'm needy. I'm strangely open yet deeply mysterious. I'm bright, but I'm dumb. I'm whatever you want me to be.
Please, don't send me a kiss if you're a fatty. And I need your photo to be recent, not 10 years old. Don't put up a photo which may be recent, but in which you look younger than you are in real-life either thanks. Internet dating is about portraying yourself honestly in case you didn't know. Read my profile carefully because I'm kind of tired of repeating myself. I'm looking for someone who is up to 15 years younger, but definitely no older than me. If you're older than me, it's unlikely we will share any interests, and, as men age faster than women, there is a very good chance you'll never look like a natural match for me. If I don't reply to your kiss, please don't think I'm rude. That's life. Move on. Get over it. Some men are just not worth replying to.
I'm looking for someone independent. You've got to know how to buy your own food and clothing and pay your rent/home loan. You've got to know how to wash, clean and cook for yourself without my help.
I'm financially secure and I'm proud enough to boast about that. I choose not to raise my children and as a consequence, I've been able to build on my uninterrupted working life, continue to work full-time for long hours, and now I'm reaping the rewards. Life's not a free ride gentlemen, and I'm not your horse. Don't expect your next meal to be on me.
Please don't expect me to pay for more than half of anything. This is 2015 and if you know anything about equality and men's rights, you'll understand that it is imperative to your movement that we split dinner expenses down the middle. You guys demand equality, and unfortunately, there are some unpleasant consequences that come with that. Having said that, I'm a generous lady. If you send the first email, I'll shout the first coffee. I'm currently out of stamps.
I prefer a quick coffee or glass of wine for a first date. If you're ugly, I'm not willing to waste time talking to you for hours over dinner. Game-players and time-wasters, move on.
Good family values are a must! I'm looking for a partner who enjoys quality time with kids (preferably mine). My kids are my priority, so sorry, you will always come second. Drama kings need not apply. I spend quality time with my gorgeous kids every second weekend, so if you're a weekend Seaworld, Dreamworld, or Movieworld lover we may have something in common. Childcare is easier with an extra pair of hands, so when I do mind my kids, be prepared to role your sleeves up and get in and help out. Feel free to bring your kids along if you're happy to care for them yourself. I'd love to check out their manners, their looks and their height. It would help if you know your way around a kitchen too.
As my kids aren't with me often, I have time to do some well-deserved "me" things. In my "me time" I've learnt to scuba dive, abseil, wakeboard, ride a motorcycle, surf ski and more. What interesting hobbies and past-times do you do?
Your education level is not as important to me as your looks. If I do let you be my boyfriend, there's a good chance that I will one day introduce you to my female friends, and I don't want them laughing at me. I want to be proud of you as I stride, slightly ahead of you into a room. I repeat. No fatties or men who have let themselves go thanks. I believe that if you respect yourself, regular gym workouts, jogs in the park, and good diet will naturally follow. Please don't use the excuse that you've had kids, you lack the time, or your hormones fluctuate during your life causing you to gain weight as you get older. Heard it all before. I've no interest in game-players.
I expect your profile to have a photo of you smiling with your teeth on display. I believe that life is short, my glass is half-full, and men really need to smile a bit more often to show that they are happy and carefree, because…well, they just should. Include a whole body shot thanks because I need to check out your legs as well. Soooooo many of you men carry the bulk of your weight in the lower half of your body, so a head shot alone can be grossly misleading. If you're dishonest and untrustworthy, that's a deal-breaker and game-changer.
I want a masculine man. A manly man - deep voice, lots of body hair, big hands, really tall and broad and gruff. Not too tall, and not too gruff though. Everything in small doses gentlemen. I want your laugh to be low and deep. I want you to take control when I'm feeling vulnerable and needy. I'm looking for my knight, not my squire. I want you to be the last thing I think of at night, and the first thing I think of in the morning (before I open my bowels). I want you to intrigue me. Mesmerise me. Tantalise me. Is that too much to ask?
I'm as happy in a pair of stilleto heels and cocktail dress, surrounded by really posh people at a high-end society party as I am in a pair of jeans, old sneakers, and a loose but sexy sloppy-joe, sharing a slab of beer with your mates at the local. I like to wear my hair short. Real short. Actually, I'm bald. Too much oestrogen apparently. Let's put that another way. I'm ultra feminine…and I'm looking for a man who is interested in my mind, not my body.
I'm searching for my soul mate. I'm not looking for a slutty one-night stand, or a tempting slut who will sleep with me on the first date. Game-players move on. I'm 45 years old and I'm over night clubs and sleeping with lots and lots of men whenever I like. I'm getting really old and things are starting to go wrong with my body. I'm willing to try this crazy internet dating (can't believe I've stooped this low actually) if it means I'll meet "the one". Not interested time-wasters. Hang on, did I already mention that?
Is that too much to ask?
A little about me. I'm tactile and affectionate. I'm baggage-free. I like to kiss and cuddle...and hold hands in public and I hope you do too. At night I like to wind down from my extremely important job with a glass of wine, some home-made rotolo al forno, and then curl up on the couch with a good DVD. I'm social but I'm a home-body. I'm loud but I'm shy. I like the occasional drink, but I never get drunk. I'm strong but I'm needy. I'm strangely open yet deeply mysterious. I'm bright, but I'm dumb. I'm whatever you want me to be.
Please, don't send me a kiss if you're a fatty. And I need your photo to be recent, not 10 years old. Don't put up a photo which may be recent, but in which you look younger than you are in real-life either thanks. Internet dating is about portraying yourself honestly in case you didn't know. Read my profile carefully because I'm kind of tired of repeating myself. I'm looking for someone who is up to 15 years younger, but definitely no older than me. If you're older than me, it's unlikely we will share any interests, and, as men age faster than women, there is a very good chance you'll never look like a natural match for me. If I don't reply to your kiss, please don't think I'm rude. That's life. Move on. Get over it. Some men are just not worth replying to.
I'm looking for someone independent. You've got to know how to buy your own food and clothing and pay your rent/home loan. You've got to know how to wash, clean and cook for yourself without my help.
I'm financially secure and I'm proud enough to boast about that. I choose not to raise my children and as a consequence, I've been able to build on my uninterrupted working life, continue to work full-time for long hours, and now I'm reaping the rewards. Life's not a free ride gentlemen, and I'm not your horse. Don't expect your next meal to be on me.
Please don't expect me to pay for more than half of anything. This is 2015 and if you know anything about equality and men's rights, you'll understand that it is imperative to your movement that we split dinner expenses down the middle. You guys demand equality, and unfortunately, there are some unpleasant consequences that come with that. Having said that, I'm a generous lady. If you send the first email, I'll shout the first coffee. I'm currently out of stamps.
I prefer a quick coffee or glass of wine for a first date. If you're ugly, I'm not willing to waste time talking to you for hours over dinner. Game-players and time-wasters, move on.
Good family values are a must! I'm looking for a partner who enjoys quality time with kids (preferably mine). My kids are my priority, so sorry, you will always come second. Drama kings need not apply. I spend quality time with my gorgeous kids every second weekend, so if you're a weekend Seaworld, Dreamworld, or Movieworld lover we may have something in common. Childcare is easier with an extra pair of hands, so when I do mind my kids, be prepared to role your sleeves up and get in and help out. Feel free to bring your kids along if you're happy to care for them yourself. I'd love to check out their manners, their looks and their height. It would help if you know your way around a kitchen too.
As my kids aren't with me often, I have time to do some well-deserved "me" things. In my "me time" I've learnt to scuba dive, abseil, wakeboard, ride a motorcycle, surf ski and more. What interesting hobbies and past-times do you do?
Your education level is not as important to me as your looks. If I do let you be my boyfriend, there's a good chance that I will one day introduce you to my female friends, and I don't want them laughing at me. I want to be proud of you as I stride, slightly ahead of you into a room. I repeat. No fatties or men who have let themselves go thanks. I believe that if you respect yourself, regular gym workouts, jogs in the park, and good diet will naturally follow. Please don't use the excuse that you've had kids, you lack the time, or your hormones fluctuate during your life causing you to gain weight as you get older. Heard it all before. I've no interest in game-players.
I expect your profile to have a photo of you smiling with your teeth on display. I believe that life is short, my glass is half-full, and men really need to smile a bit more often to show that they are happy and carefree, because…well, they just should. Include a whole body shot thanks because I need to check out your legs as well. Soooooo many of you men carry the bulk of your weight in the lower half of your body, so a head shot alone can be grossly misleading. If you're dishonest and untrustworthy, that's a deal-breaker and game-changer.
I want a masculine man. A manly man - deep voice, lots of body hair, big hands, really tall and broad and gruff. Not too tall, and not too gruff though. Everything in small doses gentlemen. I want your laugh to be low and deep. I want you to take control when I'm feeling vulnerable and needy. I'm looking for my knight, not my squire. I want you to be the last thing I think of at night, and the first thing I think of in the morning (before I open my bowels). I want you to intrigue me. Mesmerise me. Tantalise me. Is that too much to ask?
I'm as happy in a pair of stilleto heels and cocktail dress, surrounded by really posh people at a high-end society party as I am in a pair of jeans, old sneakers, and a loose but sexy sloppy-joe, sharing a slab of beer with your mates at the local. I like to wear my hair short. Real short. Actually, I'm bald. Too much oestrogen apparently. Let's put that another way. I'm ultra feminine…and I'm looking for a man who is interested in my mind, not my body.
I'm searching for my soul mate. I'm not looking for a slutty one-night stand, or a tempting slut who will sleep with me on the first date. Game-players move on. I'm 45 years old and I'm over night clubs and sleeping with lots and lots of men whenever I like. I'm getting really old and things are starting to go wrong with my body. I'm willing to try this crazy internet dating (can't believe I've stooped this low actually) if it means I'll meet "the one". Not interested time-wasters. Hang on, did I already mention that?
Is that too much to ask?
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