NewtoBrissy and not looking for his Aristophanian soulmate

NewtoBrissy was, as his dating name suggests, new to Brisbane.  Originally from Canada, he'd moved from his children and ex-partner some years ago to live in another country.  He was now fresh from Adelaide, and looking for some company.

This 48 year old man was after someone intelligent.  He wasn't looking for "someone to complete me or an Aristophanian soulmate." Deep stuff. NewtoBrissy was completing his PhD and searching for his not-really-forever-and-ever-soulmate on the internet.

I contacted him. I must admit that I was turned off by the fact that he lived a hemisphere away from his children, but I'm also realistic. I understand that beggars can't always be choosers, and a bit of give and take is required when screening through the endless undesirables.  If he agreed to meet, it would be interesting to hear him explain that his ex-partner was insane, and he had to move to get away from her. Like all men and their "crazy" ex-partners, I also predicted that he would say that he had no alternative but to leave his children to be raised by the crazy lady. I weighed the negative of him leaving his children against the positive of an ex-partner living so far away. You may have noticed my aversion to middle-aged co-dependent men who need to curl up next to their ex-partners for their 6pm breast feed. So I decided to give NewtoBrissy a shot.

True to form, my initial contact was met with a return kiss - something along the lines of 'yes, I'd be interested in hearing from you.'  

I'd like to clarify here that men rarely, if ever, respond to a free kiss with a $10 email...always the free kiss reply.  Biggest group of tight asses.  First impressions count.  At this stage, however, I usually have an open mind. NewtoBrissy was in the *top 100 and obviously in the midst of some heavy-duty kiss send outs. He wasn't good looking enough to be on the receiving end of too many, so it was obvious that for now, internet dating was a full-time obsession for him. Probably best he conserve his money for the really hot chickies.  

So I sent NewtoBrissy a quick email basically stating that we may have quite a bit in common.  

He responded with a very long email to me, the last portion of which read: "I'm not in a huge rush to get into a relationship, new to Brisbane and am just enjoying meeting people. I'm happy to make friends for now and see if, at some point, something goes 'click' (ummm, you'd already stated that in your profile…in quite a bit of detail. Yep, getting the drift now). In the meantime I have a longer profile on Plenty of Fish - feel free to take a look. I've been told it's "too long" by some people, but I'd rather read a lot about someone and see a lot of pics. So, feel free to drop by. Maybe you'll change your mind!"

I interpreted this as: "Hey, I'm fresh out of a relationship in Adelaide. I ran from that relationship like I ran from Canada, my ex-partner and kids. Now I'm ready to just play the field for a bit and have sex with whoever.  I'm not quite ready to have another woman tell me what to do, and I certainly don't want needy women whinging to me 3 dates in that you want commitment, so I'm being very upfront here. Giving you a lot of warning that I plan to date a few of you at once. I'm really open and honest about that." He also gave his full name in his email.  I've now earmarked the 'full name reveal' as a sign that the man wants to appear open and upfront, but has some potentially creepy, seething secret that he's keeping from you. No need for full names before we meet. Most of us don't have access to the local registered offenders database.

My alternate interpretation was: "I'm impotent."

Thanks Mark (that was his name).  I did take a look at your Plenty of Fish (POF) profile, and it made me kind of sick.  Same profile as the one I'd already read, just expanded...and expanded...and expanded on.

Here's a little taste.

"I definitely enjoy the attraction between the sexes and am open-minded about relationships. Everyone is different, so every relationship will be different too. If you've read about the history of marriage in the West you'll realise how arbitrary (and inaccurate) our belief about 'traditional' relationships are. For most of our 200,000 years humans have existed in small, polyamorous, hunter-gatherer tribes. I'm not looking for THAT (!), but I do feel that the possibilities are wide open and every person should be able to decide for themselves what works for them. I think that's a good thing. I'm happily hetero, but LGBT friendly and quite politically and socially liberal (as in broad-minded, not as in a political party). I think I'm a feminist, but there's a broad spectrum of people who call themselves that and the extremes can be odious, so I recognise it's a contentious and possibly triggering label. Let's just say I find all forms of prejudice and bigotry lazy and distasteful, and think that tolerance, understanding, patience and kindness are the more skilful values. I do my inconsistent best to embody those. I consider myself a scientist and believe in things like vaccinations and global warming. If that is something that you turns you off it's probably good for you (and me) to know that now."

I've highlighted the more comical sections. 

Where do I begin?

"Polyamorous, hunter-gatherer tribes."  Yep I've read the books 'The Mating Mind' and 'Sex at Dawn' and those books go on and on about how natural it is for women to have multiple partners in quick succession because the best of the best sperm will reach the egg.  Lucky for Mark, those books tell him it's also natural for men to want to have sex with lots of different women too. A biological must. I'd hazard a guess that Mark wouldn't be too happy or open-minded if it was his female partner who decided to sleep around on him. Or maybe he was completely impotent, and he understood that his woman would eventually satisfy that needs elsewhere. Save that conversation for a heavy-duty drinking session. 

"I'm happily hetero but LGBT friendly..."  Jesus!  Does a normal man need to even mention that in his dating profile?  

"I think I'm a feminist..."  At 48 Mark, it's kind of sad that you are still questioning that, but I'd hazard a guess that you aren't. Google it if you haven't been able to wrap your peanut brain around the confusing concept. Your kids live in another hemisphere and are being raised by their mother. Aren't you lucky she was there to do that for you? Did she have a choice? How wonderful that you've had the time to learn French, and you're turned on by a woman who can speak another language. Most of us extreme feminists who are raising the kids haven't had time to learn one yet.

"…there's a broad spectrum of people who call themselves that and the extremes can be odious..." What? Extreme equality?  What I think Mark means is those odious mad-dog bitches who demand men be faithful. Like the one raising his children back in Canada.  Perhaps he's referring to all those odious crazy fucked-up angry feminazis. You know, all those women who want what men already have.  I can see how Mark would find that odious. Mark doesn't understand the definition of feminism and he's 48.

"...so, I recognise it's a contentious and possibly triggering label."  Not even going to comment on that. Absolute idiot. 

" I do my inconsistent best to embody those."  Really?  Phew, so glad to know that you're a lazy, distasteful, intolerant, prejudiced bigot only occasionally!

"I consider myself a scientist…"  You're not Mark. You're an ambulance officer who (supposedly) has post-graduate qualifications in counselling.  That's not a scientist. 

PASS!

* The Top 100 men in each age group is filled with men like Mark. This is a pitiful reminder to me to avoid this section of men while internet dating. It's a never-ending Alpha male arm wrestle to get to #1.  Same men in the top 100 week after week sending out hundreds of kisses to women in a point-scoring race to the top. They're not the best. They're a concentrated group of losers.