If I were a man
I was chatting to my stepfather on the phone after work one evening recently, explaining why I couldn't come to visit my parents for the next few weeks. I have an exam to sit that I need to prepare for. He responded with "I don't know why someone your age would want to study. Is it going to mean you earn more?" That's the first time he's ever really mentioned it and I've been studying for the last one and a half years.
At the ripe old age of 44 I have quite a few years left in the workforce, and competition is pretty tough at interviews these days. Yeh Dad, it's something I have to do.
I'm paying off my own home (recent small renovation to boot), I'm working full-time and studying part-time - my 3rd post-graduate course. I know, I've said all this before. What amazes me is how few people congratulate me. Not that I expect constant admiration mind you. Most of us (women that is) who separate and raise children just get on with it. We usually don't get fussed over too much. I think we are generally seen as a little sad. We've made a rod for our own back. Time to move on and please, just stop whining about it. Most single women have experienced an attempt to talk about how exhausting their lives are to that cocky partnered woman at the work Christmas party who responds with a similar story of their own difficulties. And yes, I do acknowledge here how horrible it would to be partnered up. Going home to wipe the male piss from the tiles around the toilet and removing the chest hair from the corner of the shower with a wash cloth is not my idea of fun.
About 3 months after starting a new job, my male boss asked me if I had children - I responded that I had 5, and during the conversation I mentioned that I was a single parent. He immediately talked of his own 5 children. He blabbed on a bit about his chaotic home life and how much he just loved the chaos of a lot of kids in his home. I'm not really sure how much time he spent immersing himself in the chaos, but he loved it nonetheless. He talked of his children aged 10-22 years needing their mother at home. You know, to bring them warm drinks during their study breaks. They need their mum, he said. End of conversation. He asked me nothing.
This same male has made two other interesting comments regarding my work and children. When I mentioned I was leaving at 3pm to get to the pet store before closing time to buy my son a kitten, he responded "Aren't you lucky you have a flexible job?" What? On another day, he passed my office about 5.45pm as I was still tapping away at my computer and he commented "Shouldn't you be at home with your kids?"
What do you think would be the reaction from society if I were a male single father to 5 children, raising them, while working full-time and studying? Do you think my male boss would ask me if I thought I was lucky to have a flexible job? Would he say that I should be home with my kids when I was working late one evening? Maybe, but unlikely. I can say with some certainty that my work colleagues would gossip about me...in a positive way. People would probably question why my weirdo ex-wife didn't have custody of the children. Fancy leaving him to do it all by himself. Bitch.
If I were a male, my mum and stepfather would have asked me to move in with them so they could help me out when I separated from my wife and people would have baked for me in those early difficult days. Someone, most likely a female, would be doing my washing or ironing for me, just to help me out a bit. He works full-time you know. Mentioning my children on my resume would make me seem just that bit more stable and committed. Mothers from my children's schools would find me sexually attractive. Single women with/without children on dating websites would think I was a pretty good catch. In fact, I'd be pretty proud to mention my 5 beautiful children in my dating profile. Actually scrap that, I'd be comfortably coupled up with no hesitation about bringing a new woman into the house with my children. There would have been no shortage of family available to mind the kiddies while I wooed a new mate.
I'd be a fucking hero.
It's interesting isn't it? My own parents never mention my achievements. Well, maybe my mum has hinted at it occasionally. Men I've dated don't mention that they think my situation is anything special. I have one close female friend who acknowledges with me the difficulties of raising children while working, with no family or community support. She is the only person who has ever told me that what I do is amazing. And it is.
We are.
At the ripe old age of 44 I have quite a few years left in the workforce, and competition is pretty tough at interviews these days. Yeh Dad, it's something I have to do.
I'm paying off my own home (recent small renovation to boot), I'm working full-time and studying part-time - my 3rd post-graduate course. I know, I've said all this before. What amazes me is how few people congratulate me. Not that I expect constant admiration mind you. Most of us (women that is) who separate and raise children just get on with it. We usually don't get fussed over too much. I think we are generally seen as a little sad. We've made a rod for our own back. Time to move on and please, just stop whining about it. Most single women have experienced an attempt to talk about how exhausting their lives are to that cocky partnered woman at the work Christmas party who responds with a similar story of their own difficulties. And yes, I do acknowledge here how horrible it would to be partnered up. Going home to wipe the male piss from the tiles around the toilet and removing the chest hair from the corner of the shower with a wash cloth is not my idea of fun.
About 3 months after starting a new job, my male boss asked me if I had children - I responded that I had 5, and during the conversation I mentioned that I was a single parent. He immediately talked of his own 5 children. He blabbed on a bit about his chaotic home life and how much he just loved the chaos of a lot of kids in his home. I'm not really sure how much time he spent immersing himself in the chaos, but he loved it nonetheless. He talked of his children aged 10-22 years needing their mother at home. You know, to bring them warm drinks during their study breaks. They need their mum, he said. End of conversation. He asked me nothing.
This same male has made two other interesting comments regarding my work and children. When I mentioned I was leaving at 3pm to get to the pet store before closing time to buy my son a kitten, he responded "Aren't you lucky you have a flexible job?" What? On another day, he passed my office about 5.45pm as I was still tapping away at my computer and he commented "Shouldn't you be at home with your kids?"
What do you think would be the reaction from society if I were a male single father to 5 children, raising them, while working full-time and studying? Do you think my male boss would ask me if I thought I was lucky to have a flexible job? Would he say that I should be home with my kids when I was working late one evening? Maybe, but unlikely. I can say with some certainty that my work colleagues would gossip about me...in a positive way. People would probably question why my weirdo ex-wife didn't have custody of the children. Fancy leaving him to do it all by himself. Bitch.
If I were a male, my mum and stepfather would have asked me to move in with them so they could help me out when I separated from my wife and people would have baked for me in those early difficult days. Someone, most likely a female, would be doing my washing or ironing for me, just to help me out a bit. He works full-time you know. Mentioning my children on my resume would make me seem just that bit more stable and committed. Mothers from my children's schools would find me sexually attractive. Single women with/without children on dating websites would think I was a pretty good catch. In fact, I'd be pretty proud to mention my 5 beautiful children in my dating profile. Actually scrap that, I'd be comfortably coupled up with no hesitation about bringing a new woman into the house with my children. There would have been no shortage of family available to mind the kiddies while I wooed a new mate.
I'd be a fucking hero.
It's interesting isn't it? My own parents never mention my achievements. Well, maybe my mum has hinted at it occasionally. Men I've dated don't mention that they think my situation is anything special. I have one close female friend who acknowledges with me the difficulties of raising children while working, with no family or community support. She is the only person who has ever told me that what I do is amazing. And it is.
We are.
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